Little Things

Today was a tough day. Monday's normally suck, but today had a little extra suck in it. I was tired, my oj-sprite mix was off, I forgot two homework assignments, and I had a quiz in Spanish.
Altogether not exactly the ideal Monday.

Until I got out to my car, where a most excellent mix, unbeknowsnt to me, sat on my seat.

thank you.

Everyone Has a Story.

This weekend I talked to God.

I was watching a fire, watching it dance as if it were trying not to burn itself, thinking over my story, and I began to talk to God. He didn't have a booming voice with a slight English accent, nor did I see any lights other than that of the fire, but nevertheless, I'm certain it was real.

A thousand questions were running through my mind, but three were repeated more often than the rest.

Why did you let it happen? Why didn't you step in? Why didn't you tell me where I was headed?!

Then the most extraordinary thing happened, something that I have never experienced, something that was to me, totally unexpected.
He answered.

would you have listened?

And that was it.

With one question, He had answered all of mine. With one question, I was calmed. With one question, I regained my trust in Him.

He had never left me, not even close. I had left Him.

But I'm back.

Everyone has a story, it's just a matter of listening.

The good thing about our live's stories, is that they don't have to end. There is no author that decides that this will be a story ending in tragedy, expressing a fundamental flaw in our character. There is no governing force that lays hold of our fate. There is no plot outline that we must follow. Everyone has a story.

Ever had one of those times?

Have you ever had one of those times when you do something, on accident of course, and everyone gets mad at you, but you thought it was funny until you realize that they aren't really sharing in the joke, then you start getting upset cause you just messed up their stuff and then they realize its not such a huge deal so they try to tell you that its okay but you know its not and that they hate your guts and even try to drive off without you, but by some miraculous force, they accidentally hit the unlock button on their car, allowing you to get in and get a ride home instead of walking the 5 miles, and all the while they're playing john mayer and plotting how to get their revenge on you for spilling hot chocolate on their jacket, and then you're afraid to see them at school cause you know there's gonna be like a mob that's gonna jump you and pour hot chocolate all over your nice school clothes and then probably kick you or something?

Cause, that happened to me.

Responsibilties

It seems that epiphanies are becoming a common theme in my life lately. It hit me today, I am on the very edge of something very important. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I know that something is happening that will forever be a part of me.

I'm 18. Legally that makes me an adult, although the scary part is, I don't feel anything closer to being one. Now, not only can I live for my country, but I can die as well. I can marry. I can garner credit. I can buy a house. Oh and there's also the little fact that I can completely ruin my life by making poor decisions now.

There is, I believe, a point in most everyone's life where they realize that they are no longer a child, that they will in fact eventually grow up, despite what Peter Pan may have led them to believe.

Tonight, it hit me.

I have been planning for the past 3 months to spend 8 days in England with my family. A vacation from school, from responsibilities, from all that is piling up. A week of bliss, without cares.

But I am no longer a child.

Unfortunately for me, I never stopped growing up, and now whether I want to accept it or not, I am an adult. I can't run away from my responsibilities. As an adult, I cannot just forget about my obligations. A vacation would merely be me running away, postponing the inevitable.

So tonight, I have decided. I am not going to England. I am staying home for school, something I never would have imagined myself doing. I am pushing pleasure to the side. I am taking up responsibility. I am changing.

I'm Spencer, and I am an adult.
This really is a new me. I just hope that this new person is who I really want to be.

Blogs

Blogs are great, people have done all sorts of stuff with 'em.

You can vent. You can whine. You can write well. You can write terribly. You can talk about other people without them knowing it. You can have your parents get all sorts of emails from the pornography detector on your computer cause 'naked' is in the address of your blog.
Heck, you could even ask Chelsea to homecoming if you were so inclined.

COUGGHH

a first for blogging kind? i think so.

Change. (it's not always bad)

In the past, I made the decision to cut someone out of my life. The choice to entirely remove someone that was such a big part of my life was more difficult than I could ever have imagined. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.

In the week leading up to my decision, I felt emotionally drained. So much of my thoughts and emotions were tied up in this single decision. It was all I thought about, all I was concerned about. The whole week I knew what I had to do, and yet I still procrastinated. The biggest concern to me was the fact that there was no possible outcome without hurt feelings and anger. I kept thinking there had to be some alternative not yet discovered, some way around the confusion and hurt that would surely follow. Even I hardly understood my motives, how could she possibly grasp them?

Midway through the week, in the midst of my turmoil, I met with a group of close friends. They listened to my conflicted thoughts and without passing judgment, gave me sound advice. They acted as the catalyst that I needed to finally go through with my choice. I now knew, without doubt what I must do. I knew that I could not wait any longer, because in doing so I would only add to the inevitable hurt. I knew I had to act that very night.

My thoughts on the ride home from meeting with my friends were the clearest they had been all week. I finally understood that it was not my obligation to raise others up while I sank deeper and deeper. I needed to make drastic changes in my life, and this was a necessary one. I could not allow myself to be compromised merely to make another happy. I needed to cut my ties.

I will never forget that night’s phone conversation. She was so quiet. I tried my best to explain why I was doing this to her, but how can you explain something you barely understand yourself? I shook for half an hour after that phone call. Maybe I should have done it in person, but how could I have with her eyes staring back at me? I couldn’t understand why the right thing had to be so difficult to do. Why couldn’t I keep the same friends and just change my lifestyle?

Even now, I have moments when I wonder if I could have made the changes that I needed to make and still have kept her in my life. Could I have left the drugs and alcohol with her beside me? In the end, however painful it may have been, it was what I needed to do. I could not change without completely removing myself from that lifestyle, and those in it. If I was given the opportunity to go back and do it again, I don’t think I would change anything. It was painful, but the effect was immediate. At first, the change was barely perceptible, but it was there. I had made a tough decision, and I am growing because of it. Every day, I change.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.

I'll tell you what it means to me, or rather what it meant.
Respect is giving me the opportunity to explain myself. Respect is listening. Respect is valuing my opinion Respect is not jumping to conclusions. Respect is trusting me.

tonight, i had an epiphany; a realization that, while not entirely good, will allow me to change.

i have an issue with respect, i cling to the world's definition of it. i rarely give respect unless i receive it. case in point with my previous post.

but i'm wrong. at least from a certain book's standpoint

this book claims that respect is something entirely different from what i have been taught to believe. it claims that respect is something i should forever be looking to give, and never seeking to receive. it claims that i should respect all. most especially those who do not return it. it claims that although some may return the favor, many will not, and will likely hate me all the more for it.

pretty enticing isn't it.

let me try this again.
Respect was giving me the opportunity to explain myself. Respect was listening. Respect was valuing my opinion Respect was not jumping to conclusions. Respect was trusting me.

Respect is never looking for justice, but never ceasing to give it.
Respect is loving them.