Memories

I like to drive. It gives me time to think, time to reflect upon myself. When I'm driving I immerse myself in my thoughts, hardly paying attention to the journey, for my mind is far from where I drive.

Often, I have much to reflect upon on my drive home from small-groups. Tonight was no different.

My thought process began with a song- Heard the World. As I listened to it, I was flooded with memories of when I first heard this very song. While, half-naked tanning on the roof during a church trip may sound unappealing to some, to me it is a fond memory.

My thoughts then took another direction. I began to weigh the value of memories. Memories are priceless. The very sight of a picture can flood one with emotions, a smell can trigger a smile, even terrible songs can bring back fond memories.

And as I pondered, I realized what I most fear. I fear, that one day I will begin to lose my memory. I fear that things that I now hold dear will be forever lost to me. I fear that I will cease to be me.

For without memories there cannot be a self. If I lose my memories, then I will surely lose myself.

Technically, this point can be argued, but let me divulge my reasoning behind my statement.

I have made many mistakes in my short life, if I had no memory of them, what would prevent me from repeating them? There are so many that I love and hold dear, what would prevent them from becoming blank faces, forever lost to me?

I am afraid that one day I will lose my memory. I will cease to be me. Surely I will still exist, but a lifetime of memories and learning will vanish, leaving a withering shell.

Maybe I don't fear so much what will become of me, but more how much pain will be thrust upon those who love me. I would rather not even imagine the pain of being forgotten by someone whom you love. How would my children feel if they were suddenly just another face in the crowd?

And so, I pray that when I leave this earth, it will be with all of the knowledge, and all of the love that I have garnered on my short time here. Don't let me lose it.