Little Things

Today was a tough day. Monday's normally suck, but today had a little extra suck in it. I was tired, my oj-sprite mix was off, I forgot two homework assignments, and I had a quiz in Spanish.
Altogether not exactly the ideal Monday.

Until I got out to my car, where a most excellent mix, unbeknowsnt to me, sat on my seat.

thank you.

Everyone Has a Story.

This weekend I talked to God.

I was watching a fire, watching it dance as if it were trying not to burn itself, thinking over my story, and I began to talk to God. He didn't have a booming voice with a slight English accent, nor did I see any lights other than that of the fire, but nevertheless, I'm certain it was real.

A thousand questions were running through my mind, but three were repeated more often than the rest.

Why did you let it happen? Why didn't you step in? Why didn't you tell me where I was headed?!

Then the most extraordinary thing happened, something that I have never experienced, something that was to me, totally unexpected.
He answered.

would you have listened?

And that was it.

With one question, He had answered all of mine. With one question, I was calmed. With one question, I regained my trust in Him.

He had never left me, not even close. I had left Him.

But I'm back.

Everyone has a story, it's just a matter of listening.

The good thing about our live's stories, is that they don't have to end. There is no author that decides that this will be a story ending in tragedy, expressing a fundamental flaw in our character. There is no governing force that lays hold of our fate. There is no plot outline that we must follow. Everyone has a story.

Ever had one of those times?

Have you ever had one of those times when you do something, on accident of course, and everyone gets mad at you, but you thought it was funny until you realize that they aren't really sharing in the joke, then you start getting upset cause you just messed up their stuff and then they realize its not such a huge deal so they try to tell you that its okay but you know its not and that they hate your guts and even try to drive off without you, but by some miraculous force, they accidentally hit the unlock button on their car, allowing you to get in and get a ride home instead of walking the 5 miles, and all the while they're playing john mayer and plotting how to get their revenge on you for spilling hot chocolate on their jacket, and then you're afraid to see them at school cause you know there's gonna be like a mob that's gonna jump you and pour hot chocolate all over your nice school clothes and then probably kick you or something?

Cause, that happened to me.

Responsibilties

It seems that epiphanies are becoming a common theme in my life lately. It hit me today, I am on the very edge of something very important. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I know that something is happening that will forever be a part of me.

I'm 18. Legally that makes me an adult, although the scary part is, I don't feel anything closer to being one. Now, not only can I live for my country, but I can die as well. I can marry. I can garner credit. I can buy a house. Oh and there's also the little fact that I can completely ruin my life by making poor decisions now.

There is, I believe, a point in most everyone's life where they realize that they are no longer a child, that they will in fact eventually grow up, despite what Peter Pan may have led them to believe.

Tonight, it hit me.

I have been planning for the past 3 months to spend 8 days in England with my family. A vacation from school, from responsibilities, from all that is piling up. A week of bliss, without cares.

But I am no longer a child.

Unfortunately for me, I never stopped growing up, and now whether I want to accept it or not, I am an adult. I can't run away from my responsibilities. As an adult, I cannot just forget about my obligations. A vacation would merely be me running away, postponing the inevitable.

So tonight, I have decided. I am not going to England. I am staying home for school, something I never would have imagined myself doing. I am pushing pleasure to the side. I am taking up responsibility. I am changing.

I'm Spencer, and I am an adult.
This really is a new me. I just hope that this new person is who I really want to be.

Blogs

Blogs are great, people have done all sorts of stuff with 'em.

You can vent. You can whine. You can write well. You can write terribly. You can talk about other people without them knowing it. You can have your parents get all sorts of emails from the pornography detector on your computer cause 'naked' is in the address of your blog.
Heck, you could even ask Chelsea to homecoming if you were so inclined.

COUGGHH

a first for blogging kind? i think so.

Change. (it's not always bad)

In the past, I made the decision to cut someone out of my life. The choice to entirely remove someone that was such a big part of my life was more difficult than I could ever have imagined. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.

In the week leading up to my decision, I felt emotionally drained. So much of my thoughts and emotions were tied up in this single decision. It was all I thought about, all I was concerned about. The whole week I knew what I had to do, and yet I still procrastinated. The biggest concern to me was the fact that there was no possible outcome without hurt feelings and anger. I kept thinking there had to be some alternative not yet discovered, some way around the confusion and hurt that would surely follow. Even I hardly understood my motives, how could she possibly grasp them?

Midway through the week, in the midst of my turmoil, I met with a group of close friends. They listened to my conflicted thoughts and without passing judgment, gave me sound advice. They acted as the catalyst that I needed to finally go through with my choice. I now knew, without doubt what I must do. I knew that I could not wait any longer, because in doing so I would only add to the inevitable hurt. I knew I had to act that very night.

My thoughts on the ride home from meeting with my friends were the clearest they had been all week. I finally understood that it was not my obligation to raise others up while I sank deeper and deeper. I needed to make drastic changes in my life, and this was a necessary one. I could not allow myself to be compromised merely to make another happy. I needed to cut my ties.

I will never forget that night’s phone conversation. She was so quiet. I tried my best to explain why I was doing this to her, but how can you explain something you barely understand yourself? I shook for half an hour after that phone call. Maybe I should have done it in person, but how could I have with her eyes staring back at me? I couldn’t understand why the right thing had to be so difficult to do. Why couldn’t I keep the same friends and just change my lifestyle?

Even now, I have moments when I wonder if I could have made the changes that I needed to make and still have kept her in my life. Could I have left the drugs and alcohol with her beside me? In the end, however painful it may have been, it was what I needed to do. I could not change without completely removing myself from that lifestyle, and those in it. If I was given the opportunity to go back and do it again, I don’t think I would change anything. It was painful, but the effect was immediate. At first, the change was barely perceptible, but it was there. I had made a tough decision, and I am growing because of it. Every day, I change.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.

I'll tell you what it means to me, or rather what it meant.
Respect is giving me the opportunity to explain myself. Respect is listening. Respect is valuing my opinion Respect is not jumping to conclusions. Respect is trusting me.

tonight, i had an epiphany; a realization that, while not entirely good, will allow me to change.

i have an issue with respect, i cling to the world's definition of it. i rarely give respect unless i receive it. case in point with my previous post.

but i'm wrong. at least from a certain book's standpoint

this book claims that respect is something entirely different from what i have been taught to believe. it claims that respect is something i should forever be looking to give, and never seeking to receive. it claims that i should respect all. most especially those who do not return it. it claims that although some may return the favor, many will not, and will likely hate me all the more for it.

pretty enticing isn't it.

let me try this again.
Respect was giving me the opportunity to explain myself. Respect was listening. Respect was valuing my opinion Respect was not jumping to conclusions. Respect was trusting me.

Respect is never looking for justice, but never ceasing to give it.
Respect is loving them.

The Day I Almost Drove No More

"Now your just being smart with me!"

"I'm sorry, I've just had a long da-"

"Give me your license."

"...really? ..."

"Not your wallet, your damn license! Pull over there."

So began the almost-revocation of my license, and right in the church parking lot. It started with a rather confused me. I was pulling out of the North entrance/exit when I was confronted with a dilemma. There was a sign that directed left turning traffic to one side, and right turning to another, however the left turning lane was what is normally the entrance from Muirs Chapel Road. I was about to follow the sign despite my confusion, when I noticed the three cars in front of me all turn left. From the supposed right turn lane. So, I did what probably most would; I followed the crowd... (authors note: baaaad idea)

Just as I was about to turn left, the voice of Johnny Law yelled at me.

"You can NOT turn left there!," he drew out 'cannot' as long as he could, "This is a right turn only!"

"I'm sorry, It's just confusing."

"No. It's not." He made sure to make it as obvious as he could that I was a complete idiot.

Now, I may not be the smartest person ever, but it is well-ingrained in my head that opinions cannot be contested. People can't argue about how one feels, either a person feels a certain way, or they don't. You can't just change their mind by arguing... Actually, let me rephrase that; Officers of the law can argue opinions, because they are the ultimate authority before God...

"Actually, it is confusing to me..."

"Why are you trying to turn left in a right turn lane?!"

"I was following the three cars ahead of me."

"So you just follow wherever people go?"

"..."

"Lemme ask you something. If it's a 35 mph speed limit, and everybody is doing 75, what do you do?"

(annnd here's where i probably went wrong...)

"74 mph"

"Excuse me?! How old are you?!"

"18..."

"I have the authority to revoke your license right here! If I think you're not capable of following simple signs! Do you understand me!?"

"...yep..."

Again, probably the wrong time for sarcastic tone, but what the heck, I was on a roll. After my slightly less-than-sincere affirmation, he proceeded to ask for my license, all the while getting angrier and angrier for no apparent reason. My lack of emotion/sincerity may have been a contributing factor, but the guy was a douche. If there is one thing that I can't stand, and often take a stand against, it would be people who believe that they have power over another individual for some idiotic reason such as a uniform. Last time I checked, being confused wasn't against the law, and for that matter, neither is 'being smart'. I had done nothing illegal, what kind of a tyrannical sonuvabitch would try to pull something like this...

He then proceeded to ask to speak to my parents, who by chance were still at church. The best part was listening to him tell the best lie ever. I was apparently a snobbish teen that at 18 thought I ruled the world and refused to listen to him when he informed me of the error of my ways. My mom being completely sympathetic towards him made it pretty clear that I owed him an apology. So, I apologized. But guess what! I didn't mean it! Haha take that one you power-hungry pig!

And that, was my after-church adventure of the day.

-S

P.S. Don't ever try to argue with me about how I feel. If you do, you're an idiot, plain and simple.

this ones for tilley. a little more me-ish stuff. if you know me, chances are good you've heard this rant of mine, but its ever present in the forefront of my mind...

you try to get comfortable in the perfectly upright, semi-padded chair, but its a losing battle. although even the most comfortable chair would do little to calm the churning in your gut. the walls are all light pastel colors, supposedly soothing, but everyone knows thats not true. nobody talks to eachother. everybody pretends to be interested in their magazine, usually golf digest or some accredited medical journal. nobody smiles, nobody laughs. you're in the doctors office. its time for your physical...

very few men have been brave enough to openly discuss the horrors and emotions involved in physicals. that is, until now...

[note from the author: explicit text about 'man parts' follows]

likely the single most anxiety causing thing in a mans life is a physical. i doubt that you lucky girls get to experience half of what us men must endure, and unless you get a rubber-clad hand stuck up in your 'business', then you dont.

to put it plainly, physicals suck. they really do. all the anxiety begins when you get that fateful call from the doctors office telling you its time for your physical. The first fear that strikes you is; will my doctor be a man or, God forbid, a woman...

once in the doctors office, you have to have that little pre-game chat with your "little buddy" making sure he doesn't decide to rear his ugly head. There could be nothing worse than having your aforementioned "buddy" decide to see whats up while the doctor is going through the "turn your head and cough" part...

(I can't believe i just wrote that... I'm so ashamed ...)

actually, i think i'm just gonna stop there. seeing as i have no real anonymity, everyone will know it was me that wrote this, which could cause some awkward moments...

time to go to bed ha

more me-ish

I think it's safe to say that most anyone who reads my last post wouldn't know it was me. Why is this, you may ask. Well, my last post was deep, thought out, and slightly meaningful, and for the most part, I am not. Haha so let's see if I can write something a little more me-ish.

I think I'll start with dropping correct punctuation and capitalization right about now...
everyone always makes a fuss about punctuation and capitalization, but for the most part, people can get by and understand things just fine without them. take e.e. cummings, he pretty well showed that you can be legit and not give a rats hoo ha about punctuation. i like it.

my night? its pretty much consisted of sitting at the computer, pretending to do homework but really looking for the precious parts i need to fix my bike. if you dont know, then lemme fill you in on something. i like music. a lot. but before i was into music i raced motocross. two wheels, that was my real passion. after some nasty falls and a couple of hospital trips i backed off a little, and ended up selling my dirtbike for musical equipment. buttt noww im back on (or was back on) two wheels. i have dreams that are wet (see also: wet dreams) about that handsome bike in my garage. its kind of a big deal.

haha but back to my night... earlier today a certain somebody who will remain nameless drank most of the drink that was meant for my lunch. so tonight, i made two bottles for tomorrow. 3/4 orange juice, 1/4 sprite or 7up. its amazing. the only problem is i didn't have two empty water bottles, and i felt bad pouring them out... so i drank two one-liter water bottles... for those of you who are mathelogically impaired thats 2 liters of cool clear water. i now have the stomach of a 5 month pregnant woman, and annny minute now i feel like my 'water' is gonna break...

i feel a little better having a blog that will probably be recognizable to my friends now. i'll leave the fancy writing to that nate guy and stick to my wild and crazy punctuation-less style. it just feels like its a little more me-ish now.

peace

This is for you.

If there's one thing I won't miss about election season, it'll most certainly be the herds of narcissistic women spouting their right to choose whether or not "their baby" may live.

I never cease to be amazed at how well these women have convinced themselves that they should be able to kill the most innocent of humans without so much as a second thought. Perhaps they just want to believe that a scared decision made in their teens was justified...

My mother was once pregnant. I believe she was 19. The timing was all wrong and a baby would be much too inconvenient. Besides, the father was out of the picture and she had her whole life ahead of her. A child would only hold her back. So, she listened to the advice of her friends. She had an abortion.

Jump to about 25 years later. She has freed herself from the grief she suffered, reconciled with God, and now counsels women who want abortions. She has matured immensely since her decision and uses the pain she suffered to reach a young generation of strays.

Tonight, it struck me for the first time. I could have had a brother or sister.

The bond between a parent and their children is immense, and yet nothing compared to that shared between siblings. Sure, siblings fight, a lot. In fact, some of the worst battles I have ever fought were between my own siblings, however there remains a certain bond. What I am trying to say (and failing miserably), is that I could have shared my life with another sibling. My childhood could have been spent with an addition.

I love my brother and sister more than anything in this world. I love them more than my parents. It's a painful realization, but I love them more than God... I cannot even begin to imagine how my life would have been different, and likely better, with another sibling.

I guess I'll have to settle for waiting until I die or Christ comes to meet you.

Today is a new day. This is for you.