Change. (it's not always bad)

In the past, I made the decision to cut someone out of my life. The choice to entirely remove someone that was such a big part of my life was more difficult than I could ever have imagined. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.

In the week leading up to my decision, I felt emotionally drained. So much of my thoughts and emotions were tied up in this single decision. It was all I thought about, all I was concerned about. The whole week I knew what I had to do, and yet I still procrastinated. The biggest concern to me was the fact that there was no possible outcome without hurt feelings and anger. I kept thinking there had to be some alternative not yet discovered, some way around the confusion and hurt that would surely follow. Even I hardly understood my motives, how could she possibly grasp them?

Midway through the week, in the midst of my turmoil, I met with a group of close friends. They listened to my conflicted thoughts and without passing judgment, gave me sound advice. They acted as the catalyst that I needed to finally go through with my choice. I now knew, without doubt what I must do. I knew that I could not wait any longer, because in doing so I would only add to the inevitable hurt. I knew I had to act that very night.

My thoughts on the ride home from meeting with my friends were the clearest they had been all week. I finally understood that it was not my obligation to raise others up while I sank deeper and deeper. I needed to make drastic changes in my life, and this was a necessary one. I could not allow myself to be compromised merely to make another happy. I needed to cut my ties.

I will never forget that night’s phone conversation. She was so quiet. I tried my best to explain why I was doing this to her, but how can you explain something you barely understand yourself? I shook for half an hour after that phone call. Maybe I should have done it in person, but how could I have with her eyes staring back at me? I couldn’t understand why the right thing had to be so difficult to do. Why couldn’t I keep the same friends and just change my lifestyle?

Even now, I have moments when I wonder if I could have made the changes that I needed to make and still have kept her in my life. Could I have left the drugs and alcohol with her beside me? In the end, however painful it may have been, it was what I needed to do. I could not change without completely removing myself from that lifestyle, and those in it. If I was given the opportunity to go back and do it again, I don’t think I would change anything. It was painful, but the effect was immediate. At first, the change was barely perceptible, but it was there. I had made a tough decision, and I am growing because of it. Every day, I change.